Jan. 18th, 2006

oneirophrenia: (Conjoined Fetal Skeleton)
SomethingAwful.com has today answered a question that has been rattling around in the back of my head for literally years with no real resolution: What would happen if Dracula bit Dracula?

Well, this:

If scientists were somehow able to clone Dracula – and that would probably cost a million dollars to do, more money than anyone has – it would present some startling possibilities. First and foremost, what would happen if Dracula bit Dracula? Every simulation that the Transylvania think tanks have run shows that at first there would be some awkwardness, as each Dracula would undoubtedly struggle with the dilemma of being passive or aggressive. Eventually, the Dracula clone would agree to let himself get bitten, due to a lack of seniority, but also because he secretly wants to know what it feels like. The original Dracula would reluctantly agree, pretending not to be disappointed. After a few minutes of very awkward Dracula-on-Dracula contact, Dracula would bite Dracula. At this point the clone Dracula would pass out from a lack of blood, and the original Dracula would pass out from too much vampire blood in his system. When the two wake up the next evening, they would awkwardly apologize and quickly go their separate ways.

Other scenarios include: what would happen if the two Draculas bit someone at the same time, what would happen if Dracula accidentally ate Dracula's leftover teriyaki, and what would happen if Dracula bit a werewolf that was biting Dracula? [These questions go unanswered in the original, possibly because they are, in fact, formally undecideable.]

On the none-clone [sic] front, Dracula accidentally biting himself has shown to have no paranormal effects, though his sharp teeth can do a lot of damage. Dracula frequently bites his nails, and none of the discarded nail clippings he spits out demonstrate any unusual characteristics.


Another great conundrum has been solved. Oh, and while I'm at it: I am like quicksand--lick it from my hand. You heard it here first.

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