Feb. 11th, 2006

oneirophrenia: (Default)
I just got home a little while ago after spending the last seven or so hours at the uniontown hospital er. i woke up at, like, 4 this morning with my back fucking KILLING me. i remember thinking, what the hell...did my cat kick me in the back or something, or did I just sleep really crooked and develop a muscle spasm? but it kept getting worse...and it suddenly hit me: jesus christ--i'm squeezing out another kidney stone. I haven't been troubled by them since the big one when i was fifteen, but that is one pain yo NEVER forget.

i couldn't drive so my mother had to drive me in to the hospital. whereupon I sat in the waityingroom for an hour and a half until they could find me a room. then i had to wait another hour and a half for someone to see me. by which point i was gnawing on the mohterfucking guardrails of the bed and screaming bloody murder. they diagnosed me quickly, scheduled some tests, and then brought me some demerol. glorious, glorious opiates. that made the pain go away, and took away most of my consciousness as well. they took me for x-rays and an iodine-dye test (i now smell like iodine because i'm sweating and whizzing the stuff out), but couldn't see anything major, so they took me back to the room and gave me lots of water to drink, which i chugged like a frat boy doing keg stands. soon enough, i was pissing like a race horse and i noticed this tiny--virtually unnoticeable little gray mote floating in my whizz. The fucker was so small you could barely even see it--it looked like a fleck of dust. so they took it to the lab, tested it, and, yep, that was the culprit. it felt like it was the size of a goddamned goflball when it was squeezing through my ureter, but it wasn't even a millimeter. son of a bitch. you have no idea how terrified i was of having to shoot something golfball-sized through my wang, but when the damn thing came out i didn't even feel it.

so they shot me full of more demerol and sent me home. my kidney's still a little tender, but eh. i feel pretty okay now. thank you, C17H19N03 derivatives.

i'm going to sleep now. I should still be out at Ceremony tonight, but right now I just need to go into a coma for a few hours.
oneirophrenia: (Ahnold)
Goddamn it right to hell. I can't sleep for dick. Why? Well...for one, have you ever tried to sleep while full of demerol? It ain't fun. The dreams make Hieronymous Bosch paintings look like Normal Rockwell visions of 1950s American suburbia. But, see, I could deal with that, because I'd just enjoy the weirdness and write about it later. However, I never got to dream long enough to come up with anything, because I woke up every twenty minutes to piss. I am a piss machine. My body is so full of water, I probably could piss out a golfball-sized kidney stone if I wanted to.

But, shit....No point in even trying to sleep anymore. I'm wide awake now. I guess I'm going to get something to eat and come down to Pittsburgh for the rockin' and the rollin' tonight. But I definitely won't be the Ayatollah of Rock-n'-Rollah tonight, though. Just expect me to stand around looking kind of dopey, chugging water, and running to the fucking can every ten seconds.

MY OCEAN OF GRITTY PISS WILL PWN THE UPSTAGE.

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