May. 1st, 2006

oneirophrenia: (Mr. Rogers)
I just got home from Penn State. I really should be at the newspaper right now, making ads and earning a paycheck, but guess what? Today is May Day! Which means all of Uniontown is closed down for the annual Stupid Fucking Redneck Day Parade.

Uniontown's "Americanism Day" or "Patriot Day" Parade has been a thorn in my side every goddamned year since I started working at the newspaper. Basically, the newspaper building is right in the middle of downtown Uniontown, and for the parade the city basically closes down most of downtown so all the volunteer firemen and bitter old veterans and political candidates can parade around before the slackjawed redneck locals. Gotta give the proles their bread and circuses, right? Well, sure--there's nothing wrong with that, and, in fact, the city does its best to be sure that the parade starts around 6:30 or 7:00, well after everyone has gone home from work and the main streets can be closed.

But, see, that's the time I go in to work.

It's always a pain in the fucking ass, yes, but usually it's not that hard to get around the parade. Last year, I had to circle around and take a back street to the newspaper, and of course I was pissed off at having to ride around, but I made it there. This year, all of Uniontown is shut down. I must've spent 25 minutes driving 20+ miles trying every possible means of getting into downtown Uniontown, but they're all closed. My only option, apparently, would've been to park half a fucking mile away and walk over and cross the parade route that way. Fuck that.

I don't know how the Herald-Standard doesn't complain about this--they're the only fucking business open in downtown Uniontown at the time, and no one can make it in.

Worst of all, as I was trying to turn around at the Sweet Pea's to go home after I gave up, some bunch of sweaty fucking redneck trash--an entire family of potbellied, toothless piles of shit wearing "America is #1!" and "George W. Bush Rulez" t-shirts--started yelling at me, hootin' and hollerin', shouting, "WOOOOO! GOD BLESS THE USA!" I was so pissed off at that point that I wanted to just drive my car right into them and back over them a few times until they all stopped breathing, but instead I just shouted back: "FUCK GEORGE FUCKING BUSH! ALLAH ABOVE ALL--A'SALAAM ALEYKHUM, YOU FAT FUCKING INFIDELS." The goddamned fat-ass dad, stringy hair flying, John Deere ballcap flipping off his head,actually came running after me. I laughed at him and just drove off, proudly displaying The Mighty Bird.

So here's to you, American Patriotism:

oneirophrenia: (Victorian Zevon!)
What if...

- Your hair began to fall out?
I'd just shave my head. Better to be all-bald than half-bald, 'cause at least then I'd look like En Esch!

- Your best friend died in a car crash?
I have three best friends. None of them drive. So this probably won't happen, but if so...I'd slump into a terminal depression. I've never lost anyone close to me who wasn't a family member and who didn't take at least ten or more years to die. It would probably break me.

- Your most loathed teacher came onto you?
Mrs. Christopher is now somewhere in her sixties. If she came on to me, I'd just laugh at her and walk away...or just let her grab my ass and then fart on her hand.

- Your most fancied teacher kissed you?
I'd take her for a spin. :)

- You wet the bed?
I'd change the fuckin' sheets! What else?

- You were slapped across the face by your mother?
I'd knock her false teeth down her throat in retaliation. But my mother and I never, ever get in those kinds of fights. She just yells, I yell a little bit, and then we both shut up and forget about it.

- Everyone forgot your birthday?
Hell, I forget my birthday sometimes! Not an issue.

- You became a vampire?
I would go on an oldskool blood-frenzy and just cut a swath across the countryside, leaving mysteriously drained corpses in my wake.

- Someone tried to rape you?
If she were hot, it wouldn't really be rape, if you know what I mean....But if I were in prison and Bubba tried to make me his bitch, I'd just clamp my butt-cheeks together and twist myself to one side really, really suddenly and violently.

- Your mother caught you 'doing something'?
I'd tell her to get the hell out of my damned house before she got tangled up in the rusty barbwire, tentacles, and jizz.

- Your father saw you naked by mistake?
My father's dead...so if he saw me now, I'd run screaming like a little girl from the zombie dad.

- Your jeans fell down in school?
It's happened before. I just stood there in my drawers laughing and shaking my booty.

- You were tripped over by that stupid blonde prep in your class?
Tripped over? Like...she tripped over me? I'd laugh and point. What else?

- Were asked out by someone you'd always felt sorry for?
Turn them down. This girl in highschool who'd always had a crush on me asked me to the prom, I think--or some kind of dance--and I'd always felt sorry for her, because, like me, she was ugly as hell and no one would go out with her...but I flat-out told her no, because I can't be dishonest with someone and go out with them even if I don't like them. "Pity dates" are horrible things, and they only end up making more sorrow than they correct.

- Accidentally killed a cat/dog/horse/beaver while driving your car or bicycle?
Well...I drive very slow, and very cautiously--so this has never really happened. But once, when I was coming home from work one night, I spotted a cat sitting in the weeds a good distance ahead of me, just watching me driving along. When I was about to pass the cat, it leaped under my back wheel. I think. I heard a clunk but didn't see anything behind me on the road when I stopped. I think the cat was just dared by his homies to headbutt my car.

- You suddenly found you had the power of telekinesis?
Within 24 hours, I'd p0wn this country.

- You got a letter in the mail from your new stalker?
No one's stupid enough to stalk me. And no one knows my address.

- You were told your family had just been murdered?
I'd find the motherfucker who did it and butcher him/her, his/her entire family, and all of his/her friends. Slowly. You don't fuck with a Croat, even a third-generation Americanized one.

- You found yourself attracted to the same sex?
I'd be a LOT happier, because gay men are about all that's ever really attracted to me! :)

- You sent an anonymous Valentines card and that person found out it was you?
I'd be all, like, "So, did you or did you not like the human heart full of pins and broken glass that I sent you?"

- You parents told you they wanted you to go to therapy?.
My mother did. I replied, "You know, that's a good idea." It really helped a lot!

- You accidentally sat on your little brother's hamster and killed it?
I'd be depressed for days. I cannot bear the thought of killing anything but humans.

- You got asked to donate a kidney to your hated half-cousin?
Fuck him. Let him die. He ain't no kin to me.

- You got an anonymous love letter?
I'd be incredibly paranoid. First of all, who would send me a love letter? Second...why anonymous? Four-alarm crazy alert!

- You saw Spider-Man swinging by?
"Wow...this acid is good!"

- I asked you to go out with me?
Who the hell is "I" here? I take it maybe it means the person I got this meme from. In [livejournal.com profile] mellawyrden's case, then, I'd just say, "Hell yeah! When and where?"

- Some evil old man grasped your behind?
I'd fart on his hand.

- You slipped in dog crap while everyone was watching?
I'd laugh like an idiot and then cuss, 'cause some of the mookie would've most likely gotten on my clothes--or, at least, my shoes...and smelling like doodoo is never a good thing.

- Your computer suddenly went blank and declared the matrix has you?
Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

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