oneirophrenia: (r0b0t)
In order to give myself something constructive to do here at work, and inspired by my voracious infotropic consumption of Charles Stross' Accelerando, here's a brief list of technological upgrades and kludges that, as soon as they become available (probably within the next twenty years, considering how fast things are advancing these days), I'm going to be jamming into myself:

1) Corneal display implants...at least to tide me over until direct interface with my visual cortex becomes possible. I'm sick of staring at monitors all damn day long.

2) Exocortical plug-ins. A few simple cortical interfaces, at first, to train my brain to work better with invasive technologies. Primarily, I need a scientific calculator interface to make up for my gray matter's inherent innumeracy (I can barely add without assistance), a few flash drives to hold short term memory before I immediately forget something one of y'all told me three seconds ago, and a megapowerful firewall to keep annoying cognitives viruses and memes out of my mind--specifically tuned to automatically block memetic span from "religious" transhumanist and extropian societies who tend to worship technology rather than rock and roll with it. I could also use a complete onboard edition of the Oxford English Dictionary, a technical concordance of string- and membrane-based theories of cosmology (with particular emphasis on all research dealing with quantum gravity and/or quagma physics), and linguistics modules containing translation apps for all known human languages. I'm serious about this "knowing everything possible" thing, folks.

3) A limbic/hypothalamic damper system to disable, or at least quiet down, annoying and often inappropriate emotional responses generated by too much childhood cultural conditioning and all that useless old ape-man bullshit left over in my phenotype.

4) A BAN (body-area network) capable of at least a gigabyte per second transfer rate, or at least a highly-accessible optical network to facilitate mad fast data absorption. When I want pr0n access, I want it NOW, and I want it FAST! I ain't waiting more than 200 microseconds for that new SVG of Paris Hilton's daughter taking it all three ways simultaneously from an imported Bangladeshi dickbot!

5) Medical nanobots to constantly scour my ear canals of fucking gross-ass earwax. And an immune system upgrade to keep annoying rhinoviruses under control come the winter months.

6) Liquid-crystal skin capable of displaying images or just cool-ass old medical-diagram bitmaps scanned from Gray's Anatomy or Vesalius' De Fabrica Corporis Humanae. Or, even better, skin whose translucency I can control.

7) A wang with a built-in vibration unit...y'know, for the laaaaaaadies.

8) And finally...you all knew this one was coming: BIOMECHANICAL TENTACLES! They don't have to be particularly strong, just dextrous enough to serve as extra haptic interfaces or fingers when necessary--ohyeah, and they must be able to shoot out darts of structural diamond filled with enough tetradotoxin to kill an elephant in under three seconds, and discharge at least a few hundred watts of electricity when necessary.

Good lords, I am bored.

FRESH EDIT!: Ohyeah, and one other thing: Scrap these useless, arthritis-ridden legs for a Totally Awesome(tm) set of three tentacular tripod legs, so I can be cool like a Martian. And more stable on my "feet."

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oneirophrenia

April 2007

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