It isn't that bad.
Apr. 28th, 2005 07:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oneirophreniaI keep telling myself this, every day. Truly, things aren't that bad. Much, much worse could obtain: I could have MS, like my uncle. Instead, I probably have some painful, but treatable, autiommune disorder like lupus--which can be a serious pain in the ass (literally)...but can be controlled, and treated, with stuff as simple as aspirin or, at worst, some prescription-strength anti-inflammatories and Tylenol. My grandmother had it since she was in her thirties, and she just lived with it. I know it can be a lot worse in men, but...so what? It's not going to kill me. It's just going to make me profoundly uncomfortable sometimes. And at least there's medication to treat that.
Everything else that has been troubling me...well, you all know how things tend to gnaw at me. Endlessly. Especially things that bother me in some way. I've been learning to be as patient as I can be, but I've never done anything as hard in my life--but it's worth it. I'm sure I'll get the medical insurance thing straightened out soon enough, as long as I keep working at finding new plans to consider. The Penn State summer-class situation has already solved itself: I begin a new class on Monday, just as the others are wrapping up. My credit card will just fix itself--I don't even have to do anything more with that. And there are, of course, other situations that will resolve themselves beautifully as long as I just take a hands-off approach to them and let them fix themselves. I'm not used to that kind of thing, though: I'm a very hands-on, get-it-done kind of person. But lately, I've felt best in those brief moments when I approach the Zen state of One Mind: when I am not endlessly macerating doubt and fear for the future, but just being mindful of myself in the present. Surprisingly enough, the random aches in my body have served as good grounding devices for this--they make me aware of myself in the present moment solely, and only when they're gone do they haunt me with fears for their future return. Bizarre, I know, but as Pinhead would say, "Pain focuses you." Just not for long. Then it just hurts.
Anyway...I just need to keep telling myself: it isn't that bad. It could be a lot worse...but it's not. Time will heal all wounds.
Everything else that has been troubling me...well, you all know how things tend to gnaw at me. Endlessly. Especially things that bother me in some way. I've been learning to be as patient as I can be, but I've never done anything as hard in my life--but it's worth it. I'm sure I'll get the medical insurance thing straightened out soon enough, as long as I keep working at finding new plans to consider. The Penn State summer-class situation has already solved itself: I begin a new class on Monday, just as the others are wrapping up. My credit card will just fix itself--I don't even have to do anything more with that. And there are, of course, other situations that will resolve themselves beautifully as long as I just take a hands-off approach to them and let them fix themselves. I'm not used to that kind of thing, though: I'm a very hands-on, get-it-done kind of person. But lately, I've felt best in those brief moments when I approach the Zen state of One Mind: when I am not endlessly macerating doubt and fear for the future, but just being mindful of myself in the present. Surprisingly enough, the random aches in my body have served as good grounding devices for this--they make me aware of myself in the present moment solely, and only when they're gone do they haunt me with fears for their future return. Bizarre, I know, but as Pinhead would say, "Pain focuses you." Just not for long. Then it just hurts.
Anyway...I just need to keep telling myself: it isn't that bad. It could be a lot worse...but it's not. Time will heal all wounds.
