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Communication is a two-way word.
Apr. 3rd, 2005 04:57 pmThis weekend has taught me a very hard and sobering lesson: I am not very good at communicating. For an English teacher, who spends his days showing others how to communicate properly and clearly, this is a very distressing thing to realize--but...to look at it another way: realization that something ain't right is the first step to correcting it.
The thing is...I'm not a good listener. I've often thought that I was, because I'm always willing to sit and hear anyone out when they've a problem they wish to discuss with me--but, far too often, I don't just listen, I question. I guess this is just some kind of psychological debate style that I picked up in college when most of my time was spent arguing points with people in literary studies classes, or maybe it's just something I developed because I am so terrified of misunderstanding people. I interrupt. I start shooting off my mouth and digging for clarification or understanding before someone has even finished talking. I have a very deep-seated fear of being misunderstood myself, and an even greater fear of not understanding what someone else is going through--and too often strangles my ability to just listen when someone needs to vent or just to tell me something. Half the damn time, before they're even half-finished, there I go trying to justify myself based on statements they haven't even finished uttering, or there I go trying to help out by offering suggestions or whatever--and I always end up doing more harm than good.
It doesn't help, either, that I am an extremely emotionally-reactive person. If I'm speaking to someone who is very upset--especially if that person is somebody I greatly care about, and ESPECIALLY if the situation under discussion is something I have caused--their inner discord will infect me and before you know it, I'm just as unwired and distraught as they are. I am a very nervous person--a fact which I normally keep fairly well-hidden, or at least try to--and once I begin toget nervous in a situation, I...just lose my cool and lose what little ability I have to respect the words of others. Simply put, the white-noise crackle of my own nervous system baking itself one neuron at a time drowns out what someone's saying...and then I end up babbling on and on and on, irredeemably, about what I thought they were saying when, in fact, I've gotten it completely wrong.
In some ways, I've known this for a long time--but I guess I've always thought that if I keep telling myself I am the proverbial "good listener" than I will eventually become that, or at least be aware enough of my own mental processes to be able to work on that. But I've failed. Utterly.
What kind of English teacher--or friend, or lover--can I be if I'm so poor at doing something as simple as just hearing someone out? This is a MAJOR flaw in my personality, the extent of which is only becoming apparent now....And now is most certainly the time to fix this. To curb twenty years' worth of ingrained--but obviously wrong--responses. To keep my soul-shredding anxiety and my knee-jerk fear in check so that they don't drown out anything but themselves. How can I possibly be strong enough to help or comfort someone if all I do is get so goddamned wired up that I can't even just listen to them? It needs fixed. The bad code must go.
This is all very possible. I've achieved much more difficult things in the past. But it's going to take time. Please, bear with me. I'm a work in progress. Someday, I swear I'll be the best damned person I can possibly be...but it's not going to be a smooth process. But where's the good in overcoming something if you don't have to work for it to some degree, to overcome the challenge?
(And, yes...this entry is primarily directed toward someone in particular--but, at the same time, it's meant for everyone who considers me a friend, and everyone who has me as a teacher as well--everyone, in fact, whom I may have given faulty advice or just acted like a dummy with because I just didn't listen.)
The thing is...I'm not a good listener. I've often thought that I was, because I'm always willing to sit and hear anyone out when they've a problem they wish to discuss with me--but, far too often, I don't just listen, I question. I guess this is just some kind of psychological debate style that I picked up in college when most of my time was spent arguing points with people in literary studies classes, or maybe it's just something I developed because I am so terrified of misunderstanding people. I interrupt. I start shooting off my mouth and digging for clarification or understanding before someone has even finished talking. I have a very deep-seated fear of being misunderstood myself, and an even greater fear of not understanding what someone else is going through--and too often strangles my ability to just listen when someone needs to vent or just to tell me something. Half the damn time, before they're even half-finished, there I go trying to justify myself based on statements they haven't even finished uttering, or there I go trying to help out by offering suggestions or whatever--and I always end up doing more harm than good.
It doesn't help, either, that I am an extremely emotionally-reactive person. If I'm speaking to someone who is very upset--especially if that person is somebody I greatly care about, and ESPECIALLY if the situation under discussion is something I have caused--their inner discord will infect me and before you know it, I'm just as unwired and distraught as they are. I am a very nervous person--a fact which I normally keep fairly well-hidden, or at least try to--and once I begin toget nervous in a situation, I...just lose my cool and lose what little ability I have to respect the words of others. Simply put, the white-noise crackle of my own nervous system baking itself one neuron at a time drowns out what someone's saying...and then I end up babbling on and on and on, irredeemably, about what I thought they were saying when, in fact, I've gotten it completely wrong.
In some ways, I've known this for a long time--but I guess I've always thought that if I keep telling myself I am the proverbial "good listener" than I will eventually become that, or at least be aware enough of my own mental processes to be able to work on that. But I've failed. Utterly.
What kind of English teacher--or friend, or lover--can I be if I'm so poor at doing something as simple as just hearing someone out? This is a MAJOR flaw in my personality, the extent of which is only becoming apparent now....And now is most certainly the time to fix this. To curb twenty years' worth of ingrained--but obviously wrong--responses. To keep my soul-shredding anxiety and my knee-jerk fear in check so that they don't drown out anything but themselves. How can I possibly be strong enough to help or comfort someone if all I do is get so goddamned wired up that I can't even just listen to them? It needs fixed. The bad code must go.
This is all very possible. I've achieved much more difficult things in the past. But it's going to take time. Please, bear with me. I'm a work in progress. Someday, I swear I'll be the best damned person I can possibly be...but it's not going to be a smooth process. But where's the good in overcoming something if you don't have to work for it to some degree, to overcome the challenge?
(And, yes...this entry is primarily directed toward someone in particular--but, at the same time, it's meant for everyone who considers me a friend, and everyone who has me as a teacher as well--everyone, in fact, whom I may have given faulty advice or just acted like a dummy with because I just didn't listen.)
