My New Jam(tm)

Dogs Die In Hot Cars, "I Love You 'Cause I Have To":

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you...
Green are my eyes, they've seen so much compassion
I couldnt have changed but too much suffering inside so now I'm said and done
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you 'cause I have to
And now I spend most of my time playing computer games
And wishing I was loving like most of my friends oh I am so ashamed
I love you, I love you, I love you I love you 'cause I have to

I love you 'cause I have to
Make everything OK
I love you 'cause I have to
Go away

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you 'cause I have to
And now I make too much noise reading, flicking through rubbish
Contribution is the solution to an endless black hole and through the malice
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you 'cause I have to
Green are my eyes, they've seen so much compassion
I couldnt have changed but too much suffering inside so now I'm said and done
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you 'cause I have to

No song on earth (save for, of course, everything by NUMAN) describes the last four months with Bighead Jennifer better. But the cool thing about the song is that it's not some miserable dirge--it's all bouncy and ska-esque and rockin' it right down to the booty, and therefore it is a happy and fun song that gets played a million times a day here at the Lab. Wallowing in misery is stupid as hell and boring. But nothing erases the last dregs of a Bad Time like a good ska-influenced jam!

B In the Mix? Stupid title, awesome album.

Britney Spears' remix album B In the Mix is da bizzy-bomb if you like housey, trancey remixes of excellent pop tunes. It starts off with this amazingly dark pounding remix of "Toxic" (which I always thought of as a pretty damned bleak song to begin with--Ceremony DJs take note) and then jumps into the PHATTEST IDM remake of that dumbshit song "Me Against the Music" that tears the song a new asshole by completely deconstructing it and slapping pieces of it together into a frankensteinian combination of weirdness atop a skeletal, twitchy beat that sounds like something A Doctrine of Works would bust out while seriously drunk. The other mixes are all just as good, especially Jacques Lu Cont's stripped down remake of "Breathe" and this really, really pretty house remix of "The Touch of My Hand" which makes masturbating so much more awesome than it already is. Sure, not everything is Hot Shit--the one remix of "Everytime" is nowhere near as good as the house mixes on the "Everytime" single, but even at its worst this album is really fucking great. Period.

There's a brand new track on the album called "And Then We Kiss" that is really, really pretty and very danceable and--honest to gods--Britney Spears' voice has actually improved. She's not doing that little-sexxxy-girl growl shite anymore, so her voice sounds a LOT smoother and more mature, which is a really good thing, because it suits her. I've always thought Ms. Kevin Federline sounded best when she was doing the sweeter, prettier pop ballad numbers such as "Shadow" and that "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" song--sure, the lyrics may be as ghey as can be, but she made them sound nice.

Jesus...listen to me talking about this pop crap like I'm Carson Daily or some other generic MTV personality. I'm such a fagg sometimes.

Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers?

Seriously.

I think this site gave me an aneurysm. I mean, let's take a sec here to sit n' reflect, okay? Vampires by definition suck the Biggest Dick. Which immediately leads to a paradox, because these vampires are lesbians, and presumably shun cock much as they do garlic....As noted, they are lesbians, too--and lesbians are, according to common wisdom, always awesome (especially if they're getting naked). Yet another paradox presents itself: if vampires suck the Biggest Dick (that is, are incredibly lame and annoying), but lesbians are inherently awesome...well, how can something be both incredibly heinous and incredibly non-heinous at the same time? Much like decaffeinated coffee, this is an offense in the eyes of God. But, to add even more craziness to the pot, they are kickboxers as well! KICKBOXERS! Jean Claude Van Damme you ain't, honeys.

Furthermore, wearing bats on your titties does not automatically make you a vampire, nor does it make you Goth (sorry, Ceremony kids: you had to be told). It makes you LOOK LIKE A RETARD...or a coked-out fluffer rejected from a Michael Ninn porno set.

The website itself is a Gomorrah-esque horror, as well. It looks as though it were coded by an autistic ten-year-old who decided to make a movie about his favorite prepubescent pud-pullin' fantasies. HEINOUS! I can't believe there aren't animated gifs of flaming skulls and bats flapping their wings all over the site. I mean...what kind of fucking site offers images for download in "Mac" (that is, jpg) and "PC" (that is, tif) formats? This question can be answered in the same breath as the question "What kind of people make a movie about vampire lesbian kickboxers?" MORONS, that's who!

Al-Jazeera Blog!

Here's something you may not know: Al-Jazeera, the pan-Arab television network, has a

( Error: Irreparable invalid markup in entry. Raw contents behind the cut. )

Ganked from blankkittyblack

This exercise will help you recall your childhood experiences of sexuality. Complete the following sentence stems. Discuss what you might do to prepare your child for understanding his/her sexuality?

1. When I was a kid, all my parents told me about sex was:

that it was something that men and women did to make babies. And that was it. I, of course, learned what it was all about from my friends 'round about the time I was 12 and I stopped wanting to throw dirt on girls and started wanting to hump them. Then my mother bought me some book about "the changes your body is going through" and I read it and laughed my ass off.

2. The first time I saw the genitals of the opposite sex:

was probably on television--late-night Skinemax or Showtime--though I really don't recall.

3. When I “played doctor”:

I would pretend to strap a friend down to my "lab table" and perform all manner of weird experiments on them, including but not limited to adding new limbs, robot parts, animal characteristics, and performing all manner of bizarre frankensteinian "surgeries" on them. Playing doctor for me had nothing whatsoever to do with sex and everything to do with the monster movies I watched religiously as a child.

4. The first time I heard about sexual intercourse:

I thought it was icky and something only grown-ups should care about, and then I went back to playing with my Legos and Star Wars action figures.

5. The first time I remember feeling sexually aroused:

was when I was watching Charlie's Angels when I was, like, five...and I got this special feeling in my weewee. I couldn't really describe it, but Farrah Fawcett seemed to have something to do with it....Then I changed the channel 'cause Spider-Man was coming on.

6. My reaction to the first joke I heard about sex:

I laughed my fucking ass off! What the hell other kind of reaction is there?

7. The first time I remember seeing animals copulate:

Watching two dogs humping in my back yard. I remember yelling at my grandmother, "That one dog's beating up on the other one!"

8. The first person I remember feeling love for:

A girl named Kelly Davis. In second grade. She was the only girl I didn't think was icky.

And that's it. I don't have anything to say about preparing my kid for the wonderful world of the humpin' considering I patently refuse to ever have kids, and if I did I'd be far too busy ignoring them in order in favor of writing music to ever explain to them what the hell it was all about. Let 'em figure it out on their own like I did.

Now, back to the interminable grading.