Salvate me: Ye Seven Deadlie Syns & ye Seven Hevn'ly Vertues

[oneirophrenia]

The Seven Deadly Sins

ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? Several of my coworkers at the newspaper.
2. What is your weapon of choice? Scalpel, or Lindon knife.
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I strongly, strongly doubt it--and then only in self-defense.
4. How about of the same sex? Only in self-defense.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? I really don't know....
6. What is your pet peeve? Snotty "artists" and "musicians."
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I rarely hold grudges, but when I do, they last FOREVER. Proton decay will wipe out all matter in the universe first.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Floss!
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 6pm.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? My buddy Joe in Arizona. But he called me Sunday, so it's all good.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "Umm...sorry I can't go out with you this weekend...I...uhhh....JESUS CHRIST! SOMEONE PUT SHIT IN MY PANTS!"
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? The one with Ron Jeremy selling big-dick pills. It was hysterical!
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? Purim, 2004.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? I never hit snooze. I just wake up.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Cabo Wabo Tequila.
2. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? Jesus...I have no idea. There have been a few times I have completely lost track of how much and of what I was drinking.
3. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No.
4. Do you have an issue with your weight? Fuck, no.
5. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Spicy. Hot enough to make a Brahmin cry!
6. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought food? Children, yes.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked? Counting the chicks in Penthouse and all the online pr0n I've downloaded over the years...millions.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked? Not that many.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Often. I'm a male, after all--it's what we do.
4. Have you "done it"? Surprisingly enough, yes.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Eyes. Especially blue-gray, colorchanging eyes.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Yep. A bunch of times in Boston and New York. They were all hideous.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Yes...after the whole thing with Jennifer went down. Had to be sure that goddamned skank didn't give me something. (She didn't, thank gods.)

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? One.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? The Gap, or Hot Topic.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Outfit myself with a stonecold recording studio.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Famous.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Depends on how boring the job, and how mega the bucks.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Thousands of small things like Tic-Tacs and bottles of water.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? Nearly 5,000.

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Become an English teacher at a college.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Become an English teacher at a college.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? I want to be the next big dark ambient genius.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Not really.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Yep. And I won every time.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Nope. Never gave enough of a damn to actually do so.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of ? Finished my cover of Prince's "U Got the Look."

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Oh, hell....Guess. I'm pretty obvious, so this shouldn't be too hard.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Hugh Hefner.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Nivek Ogre.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Every goddamned relationship I've ever been in.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Constantly. But I've gotten used to myself now, so I barely think of it anymore.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? The ability to shut off my emotional attachment circuit.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? No.
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Lust. Definitely.

The Seven Heavenly Virtues

FAITH
1. What religion do you follow? None. Well...maybe transhumanism, if you could call that a religion.
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? Entirely human.
4. Do you believe in magic? Nothing can stand in our way. We hafta believe we are magic....
5. What was the last promise you broke? I promised to pick up a scratchy lottery ticket for my mother and forgot about it five seconds later.
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? Always. Every time I ever had to pray in church as a kid.
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? Perfection is an illusion generated by the faulty conception of hope in ideal forms.


HOPE
1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? Of course not. If I did, I'd have a nuclear bomb sitting in my basement right now.
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? To not be alone forever.
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? Always, and I abjectly hate that about myself--it's just a kneejerk reflex.
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? Uhh...once or twice.
6. Do you gamble? Only when I can cheat and fuck my friends out of all their nudie-bar cash.
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? School!

CHARITY
1. What causes do you support? Anything involving animals.
2. What causes have you given money or time to? Animal Rescue League, Animal Friends, Noah's Ark Shelter in Uniontown, etc.
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? Nope.
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel? No way.
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? I always ask bums, "Are you gonna use this dollar for food or beer or drugs?" If they answer honestly--beer or drugs--I'll give 'em money for their honesty.
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? All the time. Hell, it's only money. Not like I can't always just make more of it.
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? I've given people large sums of money.

FORTITUDE
1. What are you most afraid of? Spiders. And terminal loneliness.
2. What did you do today that was really brave? Woke up.
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo!
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? If I knew them, yes.
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? More brains.
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? Nope.
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? Neither--I am an observer.

JUSTICE
1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? Nein.
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? Find a way out unless I could be the guy who just presses The Button and makes the world explode.
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? Yeah, but only in extreme cases, such as 1st-degree murder and the like.
4. Which drug should be guaranteed legal? CRACK!
5. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? No. He's a fucking cheating scumbag.
6. What was your favorite media circus trial? I've ignored all of them.
7. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? No way. That's just a waste of paper.

TEMPERANCE
1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? Patience, Cuervo.
2. Do you collect anything? Music, antique medical equipment, books.
3. Are you addicted to anything? Sleep!
4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? Once or twice.
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? Cash.
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do? Run up my damn credit card.
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? Yeah. I hate it, but I do it.

PRUDENCE
1. Who is the wisest person you know? siliconedreamer
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? Hell, no. I'd rather sleep.
3. Do you take advice when it's given? I always take it into consideration.
4. What area are you wisest in? Making an ass out of myself.
5. Do you drive defensively? I drive like a rabid badger.
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? Yep.
7. What did you learn today? The American Nazi Party is a bunch of total unimaginable morons.
8. And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue? I have my own: Dedication. I am fiercely dedicated to anything that earns my approbation.

Now, off to work!