An Open Letter to Vanessa (and Everyone Else)

Vanessa:

Thank you so much for breaking up with me on Christmas Day. BUT. I told you that you had two choices: we could work through your difficulties (which I had a very hard time understanding, since you made so little sense and were so distraught as to be incoherent most of the time) like any couple would, or you could decide to break things off. If you did the latter, I informed you very clearly that I do not remain friends with exes--at all. It is simply too difficult for me and for those around me. In fact, you knew this since the day I met you. At any rate, if you chose that route, I explained that I would want no further contact from you, in print, in voice, or otherwise. There would be no second chances should you decide otherwise later. I have you every possible opportunity--above and beyond what I thought I should do--to be certain that you did want to "not be in a relationship" anymore, and that is how you decided. The consequences, though extremely hurtful to me, would be as explained. Your behavior completely confuses me, hurts me fairly badly, but also infuriates me because it is so...for lack of better wording, childish and incomprehensible.

I called you once earlier today to let you know that I want back some of the things I left at your apartment. These objects are:

My DVD of John Carpenter's The Thing
The following CDs:
Bunnydrum, PTP or whatever it's called
cEvin Key, The Ghost of Each Room
My vinyl jacket in the hall closet
My brown felt hat
and the Gameboy Advanced and games that I presented to you for Christmas, which, I feel, you certainly do not deserve any longer considering how poorly you treated me on Christmas Day.

If returning the Gameboy Advanced will cause too much drama, then keep it--but I demand the return of my other belongings which were mine in the first place. Should you return them undamaged, I will return (also undamaged) your television and your stuffed animals that you asked me to store for you at my house. You will find these items in exactly the same shape they were when I brought them here.

However, if I do not receive my belongings, I will still return your television and stuffed animals--but I will simply place them on the street outside your apartment, at which point they will no longer be any concern of mine.

This will happen on Thursday. Since I no longer desire any contact with you, arrangements may be made with chaoticheaven to return my belongings to me through her, and she can easily oversee my safe return of your belongings. I believe this is a fair, simple process, which should entail no further drama whatsoever.

However, speaking of drama, I most certainly did not appreciate your mother calling me and growling at me on my cellphone after I explained this return situation to you. That was incredibly juvenile, Vanessa, and furthermore:

Any suspicious or threatening behavior, phone calls, emails, or ANY communication or interaction directed toward me by yourself or by any of your family members, friends, or contacts in the future will be met with LEGAL ACTION including filing of PFAs to the pressing of charges for harassment. I am recording my phone calls now, and am keeping careful track of any odd behavior by others around me.

You chose to end this, Vanessa. Therefore, it will end. You return my belongings, I return your belongings, and nothing more need ever be done. I will have NO further communication with you, even via intermediary, from that point forward because as far as I am concerned, the matter will officially be 100% settled and done. We may at that point go on with our lives completely separately. I desire NO further contact with you, and I expect my wishes for the same to be honored. The end.

I will reiterate, though: ANY form of threatening or damaging retributive behavior toward me or my possessions by yourself or by others will be met with legal action to the most severe applicable extent of the law. I am not kidding.

There is no need for that at all, however. Please, do not make this more difficult for me (and yourself) than it already is.

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I am posting this information in a public forum in order to protect both your interests and mine by providing a written, dated document which everyone I know will be privy to in order to understand my position and my actions. Anyone who cares to witness this document with a reply so as to confirm your acknowledgement of it may do so with my full appreciation. This is NOT meant to be a legal document in any sense; it is merely a public statement of my intentions. I will gladly provide a written, signed copy if you like when I return your belongings on Thursday.