oneirophrenia | Goddamned Teeth

OK, crisis temporarily averted: I didn't know such stuff existed, but I found at Wal-Mart a small vial of patching compound that you can jam into the hole as a temporary filler until you can get it properly dealt with. I have the rough little hole packed now (and jesus did it hurt when I did), and I can now drink normally and eat very, very carefully. Tomorrow, I start calling dentists.

Here's the problem. Novocaine is useless to me. My teeth are all raw nerves, and the filling I need redone is sort of below the gumline...and goes right into the root. I MUST be put to sleep in order to have anything done. And I never have before--not outside of a hospital, anyway, and not since I was fifteen.

I am absolutely terrified.

Not about being put to sleep, mind you--sleep is good, and I'd pay for them to sedate me for the rest of my physical life if I could...but the thing is, eventually, I will wake up. And then the agony will hit.

I am very likely not going to have this tooth refilled, as it's already falling apart in chunks. I will probably end up having it and three other teeth removed. I can only imagine the sheer, screaming HELL I am in for, and it's literally got me shaking. Something tells me I will probably overdose on Vicodin at some point, just trying to kill the pain, or finally god mad from the unstoppable agony and just put the One Bullet into my head. You have NO idea how little I can deal with pain--especially brain-searing, neverending, rawnerved dental pain. The last time I got a tooth filled, I nearly passed out from the pain before, during, and after. The filling was a millimeter wide. Now I'm going to have four HUGE, bleeding, raw divots dug into my jaws all the way down to the bare, exposed, flaming nerve.

I fear I may end up being in the hospital for a few days--something I CANNOT AFFORD, both in time and money, right now. In fact, I can't afford it EVER: I have no medical insurance. I have no idea how I'm going to get this done. Maybe just have the filling redone and hope it'll last until someday when I can actually start getting these teeth pulled, one by one. I don't know what to do but, quite frankly, I am scared shitless of the Boschian nightmare that waits for me on the other side of a good curare-derived sleep. I'm already wondering if I should just try to score some heroin to OD on after all this shit takes place...or just do it beforehand and avoid it altogether. Either way, the pain is gone.