Who knows

I just got back from the dr. The results? Puzzling.

I don't seem to have an infection, because I don't have any pain and there isn't any bacteria in my urine, but they put me on an antibiotic anyway just in case. There are all kinds of weird proteins and stuff in my piss that shouldn't be there, but no one can tell why yet. My blood chemistry is a little off, too, but not badly. The thing that's off is some particular liver protein that's usually iffy in me to begin with, so whether that has anything to do with this or not is completely up in the air.

I have more tests coming up next week, including an ultrasound to see if there are any mineral deposits in my kidneys or something (I thought they'd already done this at the hospital on Saturday, but who knows) and more blood work to look for things like viral agents, I guess, and more abstruse metabolism stuff. My doctor seems to think that I have some kind of mineral gunk building up in my kidneys, irritating them and making them spit out stuff they should be processing. Who knows.

I have lost five pounds, though, even though I've been eating more or less normally. And I seem to have a slight fever. Who knows.

I'm going to be on Augmentin for a week, which should take care of any invisible nonexistent bacteria. Who knows.

Luckily, my doctor is part of an office that also specializes in nephrology and urinology. So I won't have to see a specialist that my insurance won't pay for. But there are still all kinds of billing problems on the horizon. Who knows.

You know, just a few days before, I noted that this Valentine's Day I wasn't sick. I haven't had any contagious illness for quite a while now....Instead, what do I get this year? Potential kidney failure--or, at least, some kind of completely mysterious condition. Guess I've finally made it to the Big Leagues, huh?

I just wish they knew what the hell was wrong with me NOW. This not knowing is killing me inside.

Coming apart

I am. I am fuycking falling apart. Physical, mentally, emotionally, i just can't handle all this.

How could anyone ever care for such a useless, broken wretch

even the one person i truly love doesn't want to talk to me today, and who can blame her? I am a human 9-11. someone should just haul my wreckage away and recycle it into a person who will actuallybe able to enjoy life.

Very strange, but I need distraction desperately.

I can'ty seem to access my AIM account from any chat program anymore. Gaim doesn't work. Trillian doesn't work. AIM Triton doesn't work.

But AIM Express does.

In other words, any local applications on my desktop computer attempting to contact the AIM network can't get through, for some unknown reason. I've checked my firewall: all of the applications are cleared for net access, incoming and outgoing. I've checked my router: none of the ports are blocked, or forwarded to the wrong IP. Just...suddenly, I can only access AIM via the web interface. One minute, I was able to get online via Gaim as usual, the next...nothing. I've rebooted my computer two or three times to ensure that this wasn't a transient network problem with WinXP, and it doesn't seem to be that at all. I've triplechecked both firewall and router. None of their settings have changed one bit.

I don't know what else it can be. Like I said, I can get on fine with the web version of AIM Express through Firefox, but no local apps.