Mail-Order Luvvin'

[oneirophrenia]

I think I need to order up a lovely Kazakh mail-oder bride.

Seriously, this may be a viable option, the more I think about it....

1) If she gets on my nerves, I can just turn her off and pack her back in the box until I need to reactivate her.

2) A couple grand for mindless third-world obedience and awesome eastern-euro cuisine? FUCK YEAH!

3) So what if she speaks some weird moon-man northern Asian dialect that I couldn't begin to understand in a million years? She can't say much of anything when her mouth's stuffed with a ball-gag painted to look like the Wal-Mart yellow smiley-face guy.

4) Kyrghyz booty is legendary throughout the steppes--now even a lame old fuck like me can partake in the wonder!

5) Native Ukrainian women are all born with cute little vestigial tails, and you all know what a sucker I am for minor deformities.

6) When I break out my Red Army uniform and announce it's time to play "Stalin and the Dissident Girl" I won't need to explain any of the historical details at all.

Nothin' says lovin' like borscht in the oven! O single women ages 18-45 of the windy eastern wastes, come to where the flavor is...come to Pegritzstan.

(And the really sad this is...some of these chicks are ridiculously attractive. Of course, I'm sure those aren't their real photos. If I "ordered" the above-linked young lady, they'd probably send me some 700-lb. 48-year-old factory worker built like a tractor with a face that would scare the chicken-legs right off of Baba Yaga's hut.)

Comments

[doktorvox.livejournal.com]

And check it out! You can sign up to be a mail order husband too! http://www.mailorderhusbands.net/order/

[oneirophrenia.livejournal.com]

OMFG, I have the best idea now! I'll make up a fake identity and order both a mail-order wife *and* a mail-order husband, and send the chick the guy's photo and chick's photo to the guy, and have them both delivered to a certain address--actually, I'm thinking your old loft in Pittsburgh--which will be wired up with cameras and microphones and stuff. They will both arrive on the same day and as soon as both of them are in the apartment the door with LOCK! Hilarity and perhaps heart-touching romance will result! But heartbreak will follow soon after, since they won't be able to escape and there won't be any food in the place, so one of them will eventually have to eat the other....

[lyssabard.livejournal.com]

These things you say, make my Croat and Slovak blood run hot.

;)

[oneirophrenia.livejournal.com]

He he heeee. You're the only woman I know who gets charged up by talk of ethnic cleansing. :)

[lyssabard.livejournal.com]

And that would be why we get on so well. :)

[lyssabard.livejournal.com]

Course, you've never had my halupki yet. :)
(Sp?)