Ha-HA! PUNKED!
Feb. 4th, 2004 11:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oneirophreniaMy mother is a snoopin-'ass old bitch who has a habit of poking around in the books and magazines and assorted other reading material that I often leave strewn around the house in order to...Idaknow, figure me out or spy on me by analyzing my reading habits. Which I guess explains why she thinks I'm an alien who hangs out in fetish clubs that play lots of Snoop Dogg and feature kittens and cat-care-themed nights. Aaaaanyway, she's been doing this for years, and she vehemently denies it but as hard as she tries to pass her snooping off as just "straightening up", it becomes ridiculously obvious that she's playing Watergate when she starts asking me completely-out-of-nowhere questions about things she could only have gotten to know by reading the same article on baboon artificial-insemination techniques that I'd been reading the night before, if you gets my drift....
In the past, I used to get incredibly incensed by this--but I really couldn't do anything about it since, well, in thre past I actually lived with her and even now that I have my own side of the house to myself, the woman needs to have occasional access to this side because she keeps stuff in my freezer that won't fit in hers (like a turkey that I'm really considering baking this Sunday) and stuff like that. A while back, though, I decided that her nosiness did not necessarily have to be a source of irritation--it could be a source of hilarity!
So, here's the setup for the latest caper: Last night, I was reading a copy of the City Paper whilst munching on a latenight snack...and I turned to the back to read Savage Love (which featured a letter about a guy wanting to stick a condom full of peanut butter up his pooper and...oh, god, it was horrible)--and just then an idea for some chaos entered into my mind! I flipped to the back of the paper where the gay-sex chat lines are, found a great ad featuring two superbuff young studs in it, and circled it in red pen. I figured if I left the paper open to that, sooner or later Agent Double-O-Fuckwit would notice it and hysteria would commence...but I really wanted to be sure she did, so I left my cellphone next to the paper as well, just as an added incentive.
Sure enough, this morning, I came downstairs and there she was sitting in my old armchair playing with the cat. I saw immediately, that my cellphone had been moved but the paper was still there open to the Male Line ad--but that was no guarantee that she'd noticed anything was amiss: she might have just found my cellphone on the table and put it somewhere that I wouldn't overlook it. But then she started off the morning tirade with her usual spillage of whining about the house, about her miserable life, about her miserable knees, about her miserable misery...and I quickly noticed, as I was puttering about in the kitchen looking for food, that she wasn't leaving, and she just kept trying to say something but really couldn't. That's when I knew the trap had caught the mouse!
A few minutes later she said: "I want you to tell me the truth about this now...."
"About what?"
"I saw you had this ad circled in the--"
And I just couldn't go any farther: I instantly burst out laughing. I really should've kept it going, maybe stuttered a bit and tried to act all nervous and red-handed...but I just couldn't. She finally got it all out even through the gales of laughter which should have indicated that she was just punked, but, well, that woman never gets the joke. See, here's the thing: I've done this to her a million fucking times with a million different gay chatline ads, gay magazines, gay everything...and she NEVER GETS THE JOKE. I've suckered her in using the exact same methods damnear every time and she still hasn't figured out that: 1) I'm so on to her hamfisted espionage tactics; and 2) I've been yanking her chain for years. The stupidity of the woman astonishes me sometimes, but, hey, it's good for a laugh and it keeps me from murdering in her bed, so whatchagonnado?
My day is off to a good start.
In the past, I used to get incredibly incensed by this--but I really couldn't do anything about it since, well, in thre past I actually lived with her and even now that I have my own side of the house to myself, the woman needs to have occasional access to this side because she keeps stuff in my freezer that won't fit in hers (like a turkey that I'm really considering baking this Sunday) and stuff like that. A while back, though, I decided that her nosiness did not necessarily have to be a source of irritation--it could be a source of hilarity!
So, here's the setup for the latest caper: Last night, I was reading a copy of the City Paper whilst munching on a latenight snack...and I turned to the back to read Savage Love (which featured a letter about a guy wanting to stick a condom full of peanut butter up his pooper and...oh, god, it was horrible)--and just then an idea for some chaos entered into my mind! I flipped to the back of the paper where the gay-sex chat lines are, found a great ad featuring two superbuff young studs in it, and circled it in red pen. I figured if I left the paper open to that, sooner or later Agent Double-O-Fuckwit would notice it and hysteria would commence...but I really wanted to be sure she did, so I left my cellphone next to the paper as well, just as an added incentive.
Sure enough, this morning, I came downstairs and there she was sitting in my old armchair playing with the cat. I saw immediately, that my cellphone had been moved but the paper was still there open to the Male Line ad--but that was no guarantee that she'd noticed anything was amiss: she might have just found my cellphone on the table and put it somewhere that I wouldn't overlook it. But then she started off the morning tirade with her usual spillage of whining about the house, about her miserable life, about her miserable knees, about her miserable misery...and I quickly noticed, as I was puttering about in the kitchen looking for food, that she wasn't leaving, and she just kept trying to say something but really couldn't. That's when I knew the trap had caught the mouse!
A few minutes later she said: "I want you to tell me the truth about this now...."
"About what?"
"I saw you had this ad circled in the--"
And I just couldn't go any farther: I instantly burst out laughing. I really should've kept it going, maybe stuttered a bit and tried to act all nervous and red-handed...but I just couldn't. She finally got it all out even through the gales of laughter which should have indicated that she was just punked, but, well, that woman never gets the joke. See, here's the thing: I've done this to her a million fucking times with a million different gay chatline ads, gay magazines, gay everything...and she NEVER GETS THE JOKE. I've suckered her in using the exact same methods damnear every time and she still hasn't figured out that: 1) I'm so on to her hamfisted espionage tactics; and 2) I've been yanking her chain for years. The stupidity of the woman astonishes me sometimes, but, hey, it's good for a laugh and it keeps me from murdering in her bed, so whatchagonnado?
My day is off to a good start.
